I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
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Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Oh hi lol
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
yeet
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”