i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
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i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I love the honesty
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner