you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
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[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
#merica
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.