If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
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[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
he looks great for his age
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Every time my phone rings
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again