Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
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My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty