im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
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So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
$3 #books
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.