I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
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had to make it
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
sry
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.