Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
You Might Also Like
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Sharon I have some bad news
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
TRAIN’S HERE
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.