When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
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Those are good neighbors.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*