If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
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Owl Sanctuary
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
be careful
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.