*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
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ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“No way.” -Jose
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.