Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
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At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”