Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping