Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
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My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho