I’ve had relationships like this
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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
i want the dreams to chase me for once
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
“No way.” -Jose
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Time heals everything 🙂
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.