Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
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Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Hmmmmm
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?