Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
How do horror writers compete with current events?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly