Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
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I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
How software testing works
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack