Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
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MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?