Introverted vegans go meetless
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You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I think about this a lot
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it