DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
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The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?