They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.