My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
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I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”