My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
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If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.