if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
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“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
What the dentist sees
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.