Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
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For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
When news reporters do sports stories
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on