Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
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Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.