I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
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The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s