My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
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[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
My blood type is coffee.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next