Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.