HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
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My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Thursday Thought.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog