Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
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God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Overindulged this afternoon.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.