What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
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it’s either covid or clever vampires
Plant care tips
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.