A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
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Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.