god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
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Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face