Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
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My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
It’s an epidemic…
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her