No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
You Might Also Like
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
For the orator and chef in all of us
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Mountain Goat : )
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Every work call, he judges.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.