To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
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I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
And then there were 4
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
He-man has a Masters degree
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Velcrow
mom gave me mine for free
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.