If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
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Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Awesome parenting 😂
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)