I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
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I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Tier 3 meme
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
File under excellent bookstore names.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably