“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
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*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
first you must answer his riddles