Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
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How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
is this a warning or an offer?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
So true for me