People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
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If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Noah was an idiot.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.