Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
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I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead