lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
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DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
where the womens at?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Don’t tell me what to do
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.