Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
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before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
japanese corn
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.