*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
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want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Love this guy
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I did not eat the cake…
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed