I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
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I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
There is wisdom there.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
We’ve come full circle
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf