I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
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I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.