Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
car not found
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
figuring out my emotional availability:
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people